The previous post, about working as a celebrant for a family member who's died, is really a specialised subset of a much more frequent situation: being asked, or wanting to speak at a funeral, as a family member or friend. So rather than bang on about my recent experience, it might be more use and less solipsistic to make a couple of suggestions for any "civilian" thinking about talking at a funeral.
1. I'm a bit down on "ought," "should." Do you want to, that is the question - even if you're a bit nervous about it? S/he may have said s/he'd like you to speak, or the widow/er might ask you. But if it's going to work for the gathering, it needs to be what you want to do (with appropriate guidance, of course.) If you really don't think you can, or really don't want to - then best not to. You can always write something down and give to it someone (celebrant, another speaker) to read it out for you - though best not to spring it on them at the last minute.
2. Much depends on the setting, on the circumstances of the person's death, on who else is speaking, so a bit of background enquiry and thought will help.
3. Once you've thought about 1. and 2. above, just be true to your own feelings; probably best not to "put on a Sunday voice," as Joyce Grenfell wrote!
4. Having said that, if you can get a sense of the general tone of what's going to happen (funerals vary enormously in this) you will be able to avoid anything truly inappropriate. But there's no need to be mealy-mouthed.
5. Write it out, and send it to the celebrant/vicar/officiant etc, (or if that's not possible, the undertaker.) If all speakers do that, s/he can check for overlaps, incongruities etc - though it's best to try and find out what other speakers will cover. e.g. "I don't know much about her early life, so I'll leave that to the family, but I worked alongside her for 25 years, so I'll speak mostly about that - OK?" And the bottom line is if you should be seriosuly delayed, you can stop having a coronary because you can't get to the lectern in time - the celebrant can read it out from you, as it were.
6. Try not to worry about getting upset, because: they're all on your side; there's nothing wrong with pausing for a gulp and a sniff; if the celebrant has a copy of what you're going to say, you'll have the confidence that s'/he can carry on if you completely collapse - and knowing that, you won't.
7. Read what you've written, rehearse it aloud, get inside it. This will mean that you won't have to read it out ponderously, like Orders of the Day, but can look at the people from time to time (but don't look at the front row if they are upset!) And stop your rehearsing the night before - just a quick read-through on the morning of the funeral.
8. Much depends on the setting - acoustics vary hugely. Try and get there early, see if there's a quiet minute to try out speaking from the front (lectern, pulpit, whatever). Generally, I think people need to speak a little more slowly than they think, even after they have told themselves to slow down, and a little more loudly than they think, even after they've told themselves to speak up. The gathering does want to hear you! Nerves can make you speed up - so: breathe....
9. Take your time - it's your space and time, for a precious 3.5 minutes or however long you've got. Own it - somewhere between intimidated and cocky is where you might want to be.
10. Keep to your time allocation - it can really screw up the other speaker/s if you decide on the spur of the moment to pop in another few stories for four minutes. We don't allow enough time for crem funerals in this country - but there's not much you can do about that except stick to your time. The next family in will thank you for doing so.
11. You could always just wing it and speak not from notes or a script but straight from the heart with whatever is on your mind on the day - but I can only remember three or four people who did so in 360+ funerals. One of those gave one of the very best tributes I've ever heard, but he is a genius. One of them was - truly dreadful. Personally, I'd write down every word. You don't have to stick rigidly to it, of course (though nb time allocation) - but it's there, in front of you.
If you do a good job for someone who mattered to you, you will feel not just relieved, but pleased and justifiably proud afterwards.
So if you've decided you'll do it - go for it! It's an honour to speak for someone you cared about, and everyone there will/should feel grateful to you.
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