Regrets after a death - Tiffany's thoughts

In an effort to pull my mind away from the news just now - what with Brexit, dreadful news from Nice, and the way the harpies are circling around the Labour Party, it's getting very nasty and we maybe all need to salvage some equilibrium, at the individual, daily level - I'm going to plunge right into a nice trivial subject; death regrets... I mean, the regrets you feel when someone close to you has died, regrets that you didn't say more. 

This is from one of the late Sir Terry Pratchett's novels, about the witch Tiffany Aching. Hey! don't click out of here if you don't like fantasy - nothing fantastic about this, and it could be useful next time you're in grief.

   ..."saying goodbye to his [dead] father in the coolness of the crypt, trying to find a way of saying the words that there had never been time for, trying to make up for too much silence, trying to bring back yesterday and nail it firmly to now.

Everyone did that. Tiffany had come back from quite a few deathbeds, and some were very nearly merry, where some decent old soul was peacefully putting down the weight of their years. Or they could be tragic, when Death had needed to bend down to harvest his due; or, well, ordinary - sad but expected, one light blinking off in a sky full of stars. And she had wondered, as she made tea, and comforted people, and listened to the tearful stories about the good old days from people who always had words left over that they thought should have been spoken. And she had decided that they weren't there to be said in the past, but remembered in the here and now." (my italics) 

"Trying to bring back yesterday and nail it firmly to now." Can't be done, we all try it, and it can cause comfort, but if it comes from regrets, then it can cause suffering. 

In our culture, because many of us are still quite reserved- and I don't feel that is all bad - we sometimes want to say big things, and don't. Things like "I love you" or "I forgive you" or "can you forgive me," or "I'll miss you, you old bastard.." I don't mean things like "the will is in the old tin box under the bed," that stuff is easy.

So if we want to overcome our reserve, we can say those things, in the moment, and maybe we should if we can. Or we can use the little signs and signals that Brits often use instead of saying things. Codes.

But if we can't get the words out, then after the important person has died, it may help to reflect that the words weren't for back then, because if they were for back then, we'd have said them then. They are for now. They are arising in the present. Focusing on the present moment may help us to allow regret to dwindle away, instead of chewing away at us.

Smart kid, that Tiffany.